Aries (March 21-April 19)
I imagine you were lied to and were told that in 2018, everything that you have worked for will finally be achieved. Well, last time you checked your watch, and you check it quite frequently, it’s halfway through January so where the fuck is this success? Where is the accomplishment? Where is the financial stability? Well, because you’re so impatient, you’re New Years is already off to a bad start because you actually believed these things magically occur following the strike of a clock.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This was the year you promised yourself that you would change and improve your character for the better. Maybe you strived to be less of a bitch. Maybe you strived to eat better. Whatever that goal of self improvement may be, two weeks into the New Years you pretty much decided that this was useless. Why waste so much energy changing who you are? You like your flawed ways. Fuck it, right?
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
This was supposed to be the year where you work on being alone with you. Getting to know you without having to constantly surround yourself with company. But at this point you’re just bored. There is so much to fuck up and do wrong, so why not do it with your best friend by your side? You can’t get it done alone.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You told yourself that spinsterhood was no longer your domain. That in 2018 you will finally meet the love of your life. Well, two weeks of unshaven pits later and you’ve tossed in the towel. You gave 2018 two weeks to present a partner to you and where the fuck is he? Where is the person who is supposed to sweep you off your feet? Fuck it, it’s nice not having to shave, and dating is exhausting anyway.