(March 21st to April 19th)
Due to intermittent flare-ups of social anxiety—especially in clubs and bars—you will briefly begin smoking cigarettes to appear cooler-looking and less fidgety. But due to the high cost and the fact that you actually hate the taste and don’t see why anyone would take pleasure in basically licking an ashtray, the habit will last only a month. You will rededicate your life to personal health and well-being, which will involve a torrid affair with a cute guy you meet at the gym.
(April 20th to May 21st)
During the dark and frigid opening months of the year leading to the first day of spring, you will become depressed and listless. You will start binge-eating all of your favorite foods, and during the week where Valentine’s day falls, you will eat a whole pizza and a whole pint of ice cream every day. When things finally start warming up, you will find an unwanted ring of blubber around your midsection. You will put yourself on a strict Paleo diet along with an intense daily Pilates workout. But the time Bikini Season rolls around, your flab will evaporate like snow under a warm sun.
(May 22nd to June 21st)
In the summer you will meet a guy who is simultaneously gorgeous, charming, and szekszy AF. He will sweep you off your feet—for a week. And then he will mysteriously disappear, leaving you heartbroken and forlorn. Then, one day late in August while you’re sitting on a park bench feeling sorry for yourself, you will meet the love of your life and forget all about that creep who dumped you.
(June 22nd to July 22nd)
After an acutely debaucherous night out clubbing, you will awake in the morning to realize that your credit card is missing. Then you will get a text warning from your bank. When you log in to check your balance, you will realize to your dismay that overnight, someone used your card to buy over $300 in alcohol and another $200 in junk food. Thankfully, the bank will recover your losses. The next weekend, you will have the time of your life as you use your credit card to order over $300 in alcohol and another $200 in junk food.